Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
