The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
