dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
