my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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