Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
