got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
