I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
