I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
