The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
