I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
