so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
