I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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