hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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