I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
