At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
