dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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