How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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