I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
