I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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