Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
