my room smells like sperm. sweet.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
