according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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