I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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