At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
