At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
