I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
