a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
