Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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