I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
