I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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