I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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