i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You left your phone here
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