It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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