his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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