what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
