Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
