i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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