I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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