Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
