It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
