Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
