worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
