You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Farmville is her only friend.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
