I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
