who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
