my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just want nice things and good sex
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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