is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
