Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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