where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
