Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
